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Breakfast…Or An Animal Rights Violation…Your Call
Caolinn: “What’s for breakfast?” Me: “Monkey bread. Made from real monkeys!” Caolinn: “Grrrrrrreaaaaaat.” Liam: “Wait…what!?”
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I’m One Sister-Cousin From Being A Straight-Up Hillbilly
Drew: “What are you doing today?” Me: “I’m skinning lemons to steep in Everclear so I can make my own limoncello.” Drew: (pause) “You don’t even really drink…and you’re brewing booze. Is this even...
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If This Isn’t PMS, Next Week Is Going To Be ROUGH.
My daughter, the soon to be fifteen-year-old, texting me from drama camp… Note: my daughter and I both have very similar senses of humor, and she knows I think she’s amazing, so don’t send me crazy...
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Summer’s Eve WISHES They Had My Vinegar Collection
Caolinn: (looking in the fridge) “Okay, why do we have five different kinds of mustard? No house needs five different kinds of mustard.” Me: (blank stare) Caolinn: “What?” Me: “I don’t know how it...
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Now Would Be A Good Time To Try Atkins.
Me: Is it just me, or is this the dirtiest bread name ever? Ryan: Hello, Marketing Department? I don’t think your product name means what you think it means. Me: Spoiler: Someone in your department...
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Let’s All Just Be Happy I Didn’t Teach Your Toddlers How To Play Craps And...
Shockingly, my best friend, Tracy and her husband, left me with their 1-year-old twins for the night. I know…I know…who do you call CPS on first? Ryan: How’s the babysitting? They’re down for the...
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Guys…It Was JUST Rosh Hashanah…Get It Together.
Xavier: “You know how cats lick themselves? They should make lotion for cats that tastes like bacon, so they’ll taste better.” Me: “So they could lick themselves bald? Or so the dog would decide...
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Now, I Want A Cupcake. Okay, I Wanted One Before Then, Too.
Me: Urban Cookie has the new fall flavors out! You need to try the caramel apple, it’s AMAZING. Ryan: Everything they make is amazing. They kick Sprinkles ass. Me: Sprinkles is a stupid name, anyway....
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Just Be Happy I Don’t Use Mine To Make Bombs, Kids.
Me: (singsonging in the kitchen) “It’s the weeeeeekend! You know what that means!” (Boys whispering in their room.) Liam: “Shit, that means the crockpot is coming out.” Xavier: “And that she’s not...
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I Live In A Frat House
Dinner at my parent’s isn’t a formal affair, even when they’re lucky enough to have my fake brother (my best friend, Matthew) over for pasta. So there we all were…sitting around the table, while my...
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